Random thoughts...

My birthday is coming up at the end of March. I haven't celebrated my birthday in at least 3 years. Last year, I was unemployed with no money in my apartment (I did find a job shortly after...). The year before, my father had an emergency appendectomy and was in the hospital. The year before that? I prefer not to remember my dad trying to beat me on my 19th birthday. The year before that? I was just trying to get through the rest of high school. I think I celebrated either my sophomore or junior year, I don't remember which one... I am turning 22 in a month, and it will be like every other day...and ever other year.

*Sorry for such a sad post...i've just been having one of those days i suppose.

I'm alive...

I'm just tired. Making stuff for my family. Looking for a job. Dealing with the BS of this life style. I actually ended up leaving Tribe because...it just wasn't the same. People who i thought were my friends turned out to really just be shallow. However, I have NOT left the lifestyle (though it HAS crossed my mind a lot). I'm just checking out other venues...Diaperspace for one is really cool. Since I am in the area, I also have decided to attend a local munch. We will see how that goes however. I just seem to be doing so much re-evaluation of friends and such.

Careful!

Dear Friends,

The inter-web is a great place to meet people. I have many many many good friends here. Some of my best friends have been made online, so I would never knock the Internet. However, I think that sometimes people are reckless. I know I have been. I guess after having so much success meeting great people on the Internet, I started to take chances. That brings me to what happened exactly 2 weeks ago.

Two weeks ago a daddy person from the Internet raped me. I had been talking to him online for over a month, and on the telephone for about 2 weeks. He seemed like the ideal daddy for me. We seemed to have the same interests ageplay wise, so everything seemed like it would be ok. He asked me if it would be ok for him to fly me to come visit him. I thought it was rushing things, but I figured it would be my last hurrah before moving back to CA (which I have since done).

So I flew to CA (he actually lives about 15 minutes away from me) to visit him. When I met him, I sensed something was off, but I shook off that feeling and continued on with the trip. We were originally supposed to go up near San Francisco for the weekend (which was fine since I know some of you people up there). However, we never made it that far and ended up near San Luis Obispo. It was there at a very fancy and expensive hotel he forced me to perform oral sex on him. I was so so so scared; I didn't know what to do. I just kept thinking in my head "I wish someone could save me"...but they couldn't. After, I felt so used and gross and sad, I just slept until the nighttime. When I woke up at sunset I just couldn't get rid of that sad sick feeling. He even said, "If you wanted gentle, you would be dating a girl." I knew I had to pretend that things were ok, so that nothing else bad would happen.

The next morning, we woke up and I took a shower. When I was dressing for the day, I put on 3 layers of clothes, hoping that it would curtain any further thoughts in his head. It didn't work. He forced me to perform more oral sex, even though I was adamant that I did not want to. I told him no multiple times. He still persisted. It got to the point where I was so frantic that I just curled into a ball on the floor trying to make it all stop. It didn't. He proceeded to then rape me anally.

Afterwards, I ran into the bathroom and cried. What was I going to do? My flight back to MO wasn't for another 3 hours! I was so scared. I just went into total survival mode. When I emerged, I just pretended like I was fine. He then fed me some line saying "sometimes it is about what makes you happy, and sometimes it is about what makes me happy." I almost vomited right there.

Even after getting on the plane, I had to travel for 6 hours to finally get back home. When I got back I just cried for hours. When I returned for my last week of work, I was depressed and crying the entire time. I saw a therapist a few times (my work covered it), and she helped a lot. There have been people that have said, "you should have known better.” that is easy for them to say. It makes it sound like it’s my fault. That is a battle I have to fight with myself everyday. Was I not clear in saying no? Why did I go? Why didn't I listen to my car that ran out of gas 10 miles from the airport? There are so many things that go through my head, and people saying things like that don't help.

I haven't written this to make you sad or feel bad for me. I have written this solely to remind us all to always trust your instincts. I KNEW something was wrong when I met him. I also should have let someone know that the venue changed. So many things could be done over, but I can't change what happened. This could happen with anyone. Anyone met on the Internet. Anyone met in real life. It could happen with a daddy. It could happen with someone vanilla. Just be aware.

Glitter crayons...the untold story...

So my friend Autumn and I talk everyday on the phone about all sorts of things. Its interesting though that we feel so strongly about glitter crayons....and stinky crayons lol. All I want are glitter crayons...but I cannot bring myself to buy them...I guess I am afraid I will waste them...so even if I DID buy them I would probably save them in the most specialist place for the most specialist pictures. People have bought me washable crayons (which were good for when i went through the wall coloring phase...) and regular crayons (which are just plain great)...but never glitter crayons or smelly crayons. I still want some lol.

I'm a nervous wreck

So, I was sitting at work last night and I just felt this sudden rush of anxiety that wouldn't leave. I suppose it has to do with the fact that my father finally bought his ticket to drive back with me (not that I really need him to, my mom is just paranoid). It is just making the fact that I am moving back to California finally real to me. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely excited to move back and see people. I've spent the past year almost secluded because I have been working overnights.

Its just that reconnecting with old friends makes me nervous, because I wronged them by losing contact. Two of my friends have lost a parent in the past few months, another has one battling with cancer. I wasn't a very good friend to them, because I was not there for them in their struggles. Also, I just feel like I don't belong anymore.

Not to mention the fact that I will have to see everyday my father battle with his anxiety...anxiety that has been blamed on me countless times. Then also factor in the fact that one of the main reasons I left was because he was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards me makes me a little apprehensive to live in the same house as him (even if its only going to be for a couple of months). I know that he can't hit me again (if he did, I would walk out and really never return)...but I just don't like the way he makes me feel when he is talking down to me. My family has never been supportive of me regarding this. Only my brother. He knew what was happening, he stopped it many times. Everyone else just thinks that there is something wrong with me. All they see is my ailing father, and me his daughter who seems to dislike him. (I don't dislike him...I just hurt from it all).

Another reason I left was because everything became my responsibility, or my doing. I don't know why or how it came to be, but they want me to fix them. I haven't even moved back yet, and already I am feeling the pressure of what I am expected to do. They want me to help with my sister who has injured her knee and will undergo surgery. They want me to help with my mom who is legally blind (but still drives...). I don't mind these things, I just don't want them to take over like they have in the past. I don't want them to become my sole responsibility. I don't want everyone to get mad if I decide that I can't or don't really wish to be the one who has to do it. I want everyone to share in the responsibility. Is that really wrong?

I have changed in the past 2 1/2 years. I have matured. I have become independent. I will continue to do things like i have been. I will find the daddy for me and live my own life. It's just...the past just keeps haunting me.

Untitled story part 1

For those of you who read my old blog you may remember that I did some fiction writing. Well...I've decided to take it up again, but only as a hobby. This story deals with ageplay, and of course there is likely spanking to come...


He glanced at the clock displaying 6:00 AM boldly in the dim morning light. They needed to leave for the mountains in an hour to get there on time, but he didn't want to disturb hid peacefully sleeping little girl. Of course, to the rest of the work the 25 year old woman was far from a little girl, but in his eyes she was his perfect little princess. The meanwhile, she was in the midst of a lovely dream, she was sitting on the beach building an extremely large sand castle. She made sure there were 4 tall towers and a deep moat to keep out any unwelcome trespassers (like crabs). Suddenly, she felt his hand stroke her face and startled awake...

to be continued....

Ageplay...training for the marathon...

Last night I started thinking about ageplay relationships and how they work. I think that I personally see them as a marathon of sorts. The way that you pursue the relationship is your training for the marathon.

For example, many of these relationships start and blossom all on the internet. It’s rather common for there to be some sort of distance between the two people. Once they decide that they want to become serious, they spend some time together. Typically (from my experience, and others I know), they will spend a few days together and concentrate as much time together as they can into the short few days. Its like they have stored up as much energy as possible, and the visit is them running a sprint. Then, they wait some period of time, and run another sprint. Sometimes, things will go totally well, and one will move closer to the other and they will start the marathon. Other times, the sprints weren't enough training, and they don't even attempt the marathon.

Then, there are the lucky people. The ones who live close to each other and can see one another rather frequently. They have the benefit of training for the marathon by taking things slowly and building upon the distance they run together day by day. If they decide to run the marathon, they have a slight advantage over the people who trained only by running sprints. If things aren't going to work out, they are also more likely to know sooner than the sprinters.

There is nothing wrong with either way of "training for the marathon". Both ways can work out; most people I know in ageplay relationships did it by sprinting. Others were able to find people nearby (but, it’s hard to find someone close to you that fits). I suppose it just depends on what you are comfortable with and able to do.