mixed up...

So...yeah. I find myself rather torn. I mean I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be little. In fact all the things in my last post are true. I would give up candy to get a good solid spanking right about now (but don't tell anyone lol). At the same time, I feel...afraid. It doesn't really have much to do with getting raped and such. It's more that I'm self sufficient emotionally again, and I'm afraid to depend so much on someone again. I'm afraid to let someone know my stress and fears...afraid that I will be seen as weak. Yet, I know that it takes more courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable than to be all walled in a box.

Blargh...don't know

I wants...

I don't have a daddy person...but I know I want one. I am waiting and waiting very patiently to find one...but I will not rush anything. I know I want some things though...

I want...

*To go on a real picnic...with a basket and a blanket
*To go to Disneyland and have to hold hands so I don't get lost
*To go to an aquarium and leave nose prints on the glass from looking at the jelly fish
*To go to the beach and build a sand castle and be allowed to be sad when it melts from the waves
*To build a snowman complete with a charcoal face
*To be read a story every night before bed
*To go to the movies and be allowed to be silly without worrying about my daddy getting angry
*To be allowed to be little or big (meaning not having to be 24/7)
*To go on a short vacation and be little the whole time
*To not be in constant fear of everything
*To go on a road trip and get spanked multiple times along the way :-D
*To get REALLY spanked...till I cry and not have my daddy be scared that he is hurting me

I think thats mostly it ;-)

Scared...

I am just so scared right now and I am not quite sure why. This morning I was all happy and peachy...but suddenly I find myself just nervous and scared for no reason. I'm getting ready to move in with my sister this weekend...and i just am so hesistant to do so. I think i am just scared of change at this point. I am finding myself just wanting to curl into a ball and cry. I am just sitting here wishing I had a daddy person to give me hug and tell me not to worry. I honestly think I am afraid for my safety at my sister's house. It is totally unfounded though. I know everyone in that house...my sister, her boyfriend, both of her roommates. None of them would ever hurt me, I don't know why I am scared. I think a good long cuddle with a daddy is called for right now, too bad I don't have one for to do that with.

Movies!!!

One of my most favorite activities is watching little movies...especially with a daddy person. I just love them. It was actually one of my biggest complaints about my ex. He didn't like to watch little movies, he felt they were "stupid"...and it kind of hurt my feelings. I'm really excited about the upcoming movies for this summer! The panda movie...the robot movie...both...look...soooo...awesome! I actually saw the new Narnia movie today...I felt it was rather decent. If only I could find a daddy to take me to the movies, I would be so happy! I just think it would be so fun to have someone to go, buy popcorn and watch movies!

Clothing...

My taste in little clothing is changing. I believe that I am shifting from pretty lacey dresses and school girl to more of jumper dresses and little-type tshirts. However...dropseat PJ's shall LIVE ON!!! (especially since they are so freaking expensive). I ended up giving my dress and uniforms to Autumn since she likes them. I guess since the bad bad thing happened...I am just less...girly...less AB-ish...but totally still little all the way.

The jury is still out on the diapers though...I think I am leaning towards...no diapers...I just feel not so little. I am 5 again.

Quick thinking...

Tonight I was on the hunt for some nutmeg. Apparently, it is not at the organic food store...and i didn't need a huge amount from the warehouse store. However, I finally was able to go to the normal market, and dragged my brother along. I DID find some decently priced nutmeg...in a non-resealable bag. When I came across this I began to think...what can I put it in to keep it? Logically my brain thought...baby food jar! It became quite the excuse to be able to buy some without being thought insane. My brother even tried to come up with ideas for what to do with the baby food in the jar. I advised him I would throw it away. However, it is currently sitting next to me with a baby spoon for me to eat. YAY!!!

Growing down...

It would seem that as of my trip to SF...I seem to be...growing down! I guess what i mean is...I am starting to become comfortable with my littleness again...and being friends with everyone. I WANT someone to read me stories and tell me stuff and make the scary monsters go away. I WANT someone to be around and say its not ok for my tummy to have too much ice cream or milk or spinach (seriously lol). I want to color in a coloring book with my brand new glitter crayons and may pretty pictures.

Maybe I also want to wear a diaper and have someone change me...:-P

I want it all again.

Feeling violated...

The person who violated me sexually is not violating my internets space. I have discovered that he is now on Diaperspace and looking for LG's. To be honest, I wasn't even snooping for him. I was just curious and looking through profiles and stumbled acrossed his. I just felt so...violated. Like he took away a space for me that was safe and happy. A friend suggested I leave the site...but I don't know if that is the answer. I'm supposed to be moving past what happened...not running away and pretending it didn't happen. I don't want to let this even control the rest of my life...but its just hard you know?

Blargh.

OH THE AWESOMENESS!!!

Oh my gosh! I had soooooo much fun in SF! It was great to meet all the peoples up there! Everyone was so wonderful and awesomes! It was just so nice to be around so many people at one time that understand and like me for being me. I think I learned a lot about myself on the trip, and about how I have changed as an individual in the last 3 months. I was so so so happy to see my BFF! I wish I could see her more often for a longer period of time...but it was great to see her.

I had to work all day long on Thursday till 3:30 in the afternoon (I switched shifts with someone), then i booked it to my sister's work...then to the airport. I spoke to Autumn a little bit before our other friend B picked her up, and i wished i was there already and didn't have to wait like 4 hours. Then after checking in I talked to both of them and they were excited to get our friend J...and I still wished I was already there. Then I got on the airplane and wrote Autumn a 3,573 page letter about how awesome she is. Then I landed and called B...no answer...called autumn...no answer...called J...no answer...then called B again...and she answered (I was worried for a minute lol). Then we went back to B's house and I met B's daddy. We gave each other tons of presents (whoo hoo Frank! Whoo hoo Dragon Backpack! Whoo hoo all the awesome dinosaur stuffs from J!). Then we went to sleep.

We woke up to go sight seeing and it was awesomes! I really like Haight and all the awesome stores. Then we went to pier 39 and the Sea Lions were awesome, and there was this puppet store and a sock store and that was so so so fun!


There was a non-birthday party for Autumn that night, and we were running a little late back home and Autumn was kind of sad that people were already there so she couldn't make a grand entrance as planned. We all changed into awesome clothings...and i rocked the Magenta tights...I love them. I was sooooooo nervous meeting all my new friends! In fact when people tapped me on the shoulder I jumped lots! People gave me presents even though i totally felt bad cause i did not get THEM anything...so i suck in that department. We played with the balloon, and it got stuck in a tree. DD (B's daddy) tried to free the balloon with a single tail. Our other friend P's daddy ended up having to almost climb the tree to get the balloon for us. Autumns was afraid to get her dress dirty so other friend S kept yelling "ALL CLOTHES ARE TOMBOY CLOTHES!". Then there was the not birthday cake that was tasty and a few of us decided to eat without the assistance of utensils *giggle*. There was the making of items out of pipe cleaner...in fact i received a ring and was proposed to. However, we called off the wedding and got a divorce before the end of the night. Then we went to bed.

The next morning we all woke up and ate some tasty waffles of awesomeness. I diapered Autumns that morning (she wanted me to do it since i have more experience...but I didn't wear at all the whole weekend) and one of the tapes kept popping off, but she decided not to worry about it. The zoo was pretty fun. We saw tons of giraffes and autumn decided her diaper was actually going to fall off, so we went into the bathroom and she climbed up on the changing table (it was concrete not plastic lol) and I put another one on top of that one. There was a penguin feeding and people in pink furry hats.

Then everyone took naps while i colored and listened to the crazy bird that fights with B's window.

Sunday was tons of fun! I had packed up all my stuff the night before, so we just stuffed my stuffs in the car and headed off to the land of rollerskating. I TRIED to rollerskate...but apparently it was not in the cards for me. Which I still think is weird...I can rollerblade...I can ice skate...but I can't rollerskate! Before I fell on my bum quite hard, other other new friend MP's daddy pulled me on his bike...then about 5 minutes later i fell and hurt my bum. I was going to walk the rest of the time, but my (and everyone elses) new friend T fell down and convinced me to get a bike. Soooo I rode bikes and got ice cream. Then Autumn and T went to square dance....and I rode bikes with MP and she showed me some awesome stuffs. Then we all met up again and we all went to S's house. We met a puppy, and saw his rock climbing gear. We all talked about fun stuffs...and I decided i REALLY want to move to SF and Autumns should too.

Then we drove to the airport and I went home *tear*

The End (for me)

Stupid Stinkiness

I met someone that I thought was a glitter crayon, but it turns out is a stinky crayon. There is nothing wrong with being a stinky crayon, it is just not the right crayon for me. I have tried and tried and been patiently waiting to open this crayon box to see if this was a glitter crayon...I though I saw some sparkles...but I guess it was just my eyes playing tricks on me. Cause when the box finally opened there were not sparkles...just the stinkiness of crayons that are supposed to smell good, but just all smell like funniness.

A crayon metaphor....

I think that looking for a Daddy person is like buying crayons. In order to find someone even remotely close to what I want, I am pretty much forced to look in certain places (art section). Once I find where they are located, I have to differentiate between those who are Daddies looking for little girls (Crayolas) and those who are looking for something a little different (other brands).

Once I finally find the Daddy people, I then have to look indepth at them to find the right one for me (Glitter Crayons). You see, there are those Daddies that are just looking for any little girl (Regular Crayons). And there are Daddies that want too much sex (Neon crayons)...and Daddies that don't want any sex (Metallic crayons)...Daddies that seem great, but you know won't last in the long term (Washable Crayons)...Daddies that COULD be right, but you know are meant for someone else (Stinky Crayons)...Daddies that lie to make you like them (Glow-in-the-dark Crayons)...Daddies that want you to be something you are not (Coloring Book Crayons)...Daddies that don't seem right for anyone (Triangular Crayons)...Daddies that want to change into something they are not (Double-Ended Crayons)...Daddies that care ONLY about diapers (Construction paper crayons)...And Daddies who think diapers are gross (Fabric Crayons)...Its just so very very hard to find the glitter crayons...sometimes you just want to stop looking at all the stores and give up on finding the awesome glitter and just settle for a different kind...

Its a heartache...

I know that I and many of my friends have experienced the incredible disappointment from daddy people that they thought were the "one" for them. Luckily, I haven't really felt this sting in quite sometime (ever since Denver)...but that might be because my outlook on the whole thing has maybe changed (since what I have deemed the "bad bad thing"). I've met a couple of daddy people recently that hold much much potential...but I just want to try and establish friendship first. I mean, don't get me wrong, i find myself trying to rush things sometimes, but then i take a step back and realize that these things take time. Even if one doesn't turn out to be the right one for me, they can still be my friend. Also, the longer you know people, the more you realize things about them. At first you overlook warning signs, because you want it so much. If you take your time, then its easier to go about everything, and you can take those warning signs to heart.

I dunno though. I just like having friends.

I GOTS DINOSAURS!!!

I have been waiting and waiting for them to come...finally I have received my trio of dinosaurs! I have: Roger (the T-rex), Phil (the Brontodsaurus), and Mike (the Triceratops).

Whoo hoo!!!

Daddy-less-ness

Finding the Daddy to your Little Girl (or vise versa...or mommy/little boy) is probably one of the hardest things I can think of. I've thought about the daddy-type people I have known. One was mean to me. One turned out to be an AB. One attacked me. So, its kinda blah. I think the hardest thing is when you REALLY like someone and they seem to be avoiding you, or too busy. Its not like you want to be needy...you just want confirmation that they are interested. However, when you try and talk to them...they evaporate...and it is quite the suck. However, after some thought, I have decided there are pros and cons to not having a daddy.

Pros:
*late bedtimes
*unlimited candy
*no veggies
*never getting in trouble

cons:
*no bedtime stories
*no cuddles
*no diapers (my own rule...no daddy...no diapers)
*no park
*no getting tucked in
*no one to watch movies with
*no one to tell me that i am silly
*no one to make scary things go away

I think the cons outweigh the pros...lol

Why being little sucks...

I think my biggest complaint about my being little is that emotions run so high and on the surface...or at least vulnerability does. I know when i am little i am more likely to get upset over nothing. I know that I cry more. I know that I develop relationships that affect me way more (friendship included). I just think it is hard sometimes to have to deal with all these emotions that are being applified. Its a constant fear of being rejected for who I am, by everyone. It brings back "feeling left out". Sometimes, it just sucks.

The problem with internets...

There is something I have come to find about online communities. They become inadvertantly "cliquish". Its not like people are turned away...its just hard to join a group that already exists you know? I know that of the communities I have joined, its been mighty hard to just jump in. I know that I've felt like everyone was ignoring my posts and only focusing on certain people. However, I have also discovered that if you just take your time, and show you plan on being around and not just a "flash in the pan" that you will be welcome. I mean, why should everyone get to know you if you won't be there in a month?

The thing is, fetish related communties, make it all harder. People start to feel like they are being judged for what they are. How is that fair? The rest of the world is judging them already, it makes it worse to feel like their peers in the community are rejecting them too. Case-in-point...I am a part of a community on Tribe, and there has been a big hoopla over "inappropriate" threads being posted. The truth is, there was not discrimination over certain people or their feelings...the problem was it made people uncomfortable. Talking about sex in a forum that is meant to be G is a problem...so is talk of illegal activities like pedophilia, or anything of the like. This causes people to get all hurt that people are rejecting them...when they are doing things that are quite obviously against the rules posted.

Things like the above feed into the people that like drama. The drama people then make people angry and everyone has problems.

*END RANT*

Happy Easter!

I hope that everyone is having an awesome Easter! A few people I know were visited by the Easter Bunny. Sadly, he did not come visit me. I think that it has to do with the fact that I live in a gated community. It's impossible for bunnies to penetrate the large gate. Hopefully, he will remember me next year and perhaps I will get twice as much stuff! Double the Easter candy!!!

Little holidays...

This thought came into my head today. What holidays would be considered "little" holidays? I mean, when i think about it there are many that work pretty well. Christmas (if you celebrate it) is a given...presents, Santa Claus...it seems to fit the idea of ageplay. Then there is Halloween...dress up and candy?! Need I say more? Easter though...can be huge. Just think about it...coloring eggs, dressing up, candy (if the big person is nice)...it can be quite a day...bunnies make everything better ;-)

Random thoughts...

My birthday is coming up at the end of March. I haven't celebrated my birthday in at least 3 years. Last year, I was unemployed with no money in my apartment (I did find a job shortly after...). The year before, my father had an emergency appendectomy and was in the hospital. The year before that? I prefer not to remember my dad trying to beat me on my 19th birthday. The year before that? I was just trying to get through the rest of high school. I think I celebrated either my sophomore or junior year, I don't remember which one... I am turning 22 in a month, and it will be like every other day...and ever other year.

*Sorry for such a sad post...i've just been having one of those days i suppose.

I'm alive...

I'm just tired. Making stuff for my family. Looking for a job. Dealing with the BS of this life style. I actually ended up leaving Tribe because...it just wasn't the same. People who i thought were my friends turned out to really just be shallow. However, I have NOT left the lifestyle (though it HAS crossed my mind a lot). I'm just checking out other venues...Diaperspace for one is really cool. Since I am in the area, I also have decided to attend a local munch. We will see how that goes however. I just seem to be doing so much re-evaluation of friends and such.