mixed up...

So...yeah. I find myself rather torn. I mean I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be little. In fact all the things in my last post are true. I would give up candy to get a good solid spanking right about now (but don't tell anyone lol). At the same time, I feel...afraid. It doesn't really have much to do with getting raped and such. It's more that I'm self sufficient emotionally again, and I'm afraid to depend so much on someone again. I'm afraid to let someone know my stress and fears...afraid that I will be seen as weak. Yet, I know that it takes more courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable than to be all walled in a box.

Blargh...don't know

I wants...

I don't have a daddy person...but I know I want one. I am waiting and waiting very patiently to find one...but I will not rush anything. I know I want some things though...

I want...

*To go on a real picnic...with a basket and a blanket
*To go to Disneyland and have to hold hands so I don't get lost
*To go to an aquarium and leave nose prints on the glass from looking at the jelly fish
*To go to the beach and build a sand castle and be allowed to be sad when it melts from the waves
*To build a snowman complete with a charcoal face
*To be read a story every night before bed
*To go to the movies and be allowed to be silly without worrying about my daddy getting angry
*To be allowed to be little or big (meaning not having to be 24/7)
*To go on a short vacation and be little the whole time
*To not be in constant fear of everything
*To go on a road trip and get spanked multiple times along the way :-D
*To get REALLY spanked...till I cry and not have my daddy be scared that he is hurting me

I think thats mostly it ;-)

Scared...

I am just so scared right now and I am not quite sure why. This morning I was all happy and peachy...but suddenly I find myself just nervous and scared for no reason. I'm getting ready to move in with my sister this weekend...and i just am so hesistant to do so. I think i am just scared of change at this point. I am finding myself just wanting to curl into a ball and cry. I am just sitting here wishing I had a daddy person to give me hug and tell me not to worry. I honestly think I am afraid for my safety at my sister's house. It is totally unfounded though. I know everyone in that house...my sister, her boyfriend, both of her roommates. None of them would ever hurt me, I don't know why I am scared. I think a good long cuddle with a daddy is called for right now, too bad I don't have one for to do that with.

Movies!!!

One of my most favorite activities is watching little movies...especially with a daddy person. I just love them. It was actually one of my biggest complaints about my ex. He didn't like to watch little movies, he felt they were "stupid"...and it kind of hurt my feelings. I'm really excited about the upcoming movies for this summer! The panda movie...the robot movie...both...look...soooo...awesome! I actually saw the new Narnia movie today...I felt it was rather decent. If only I could find a daddy to take me to the movies, I would be so happy! I just think it would be so fun to have someone to go, buy popcorn and watch movies!

Clothing...

My taste in little clothing is changing. I believe that I am shifting from pretty lacey dresses and school girl to more of jumper dresses and little-type tshirts. However...dropseat PJ's shall LIVE ON!!! (especially since they are so freaking expensive). I ended up giving my dress and uniforms to Autumn since she likes them. I guess since the bad bad thing happened...I am just less...girly...less AB-ish...but totally still little all the way.

The jury is still out on the diapers though...I think I am leaning towards...no diapers...I just feel not so little. I am 5 again.

Quick thinking...

Tonight I was on the hunt for some nutmeg. Apparently, it is not at the organic food store...and i didn't need a huge amount from the warehouse store. However, I finally was able to go to the normal market, and dragged my brother along. I DID find some decently priced nutmeg...in a non-resealable bag. When I came across this I began to think...what can I put it in to keep it? Logically my brain thought...baby food jar! It became quite the excuse to be able to buy some without being thought insane. My brother even tried to come up with ideas for what to do with the baby food in the jar. I advised him I would throw it away. However, it is currently sitting next to me with a baby spoon for me to eat. YAY!!!

Growing down...

It would seem that as of my trip to SF...I seem to be...growing down! I guess what i mean is...I am starting to become comfortable with my littleness again...and being friends with everyone. I WANT someone to read me stories and tell me stuff and make the scary monsters go away. I WANT someone to be around and say its not ok for my tummy to have too much ice cream or milk or spinach (seriously lol). I want to color in a coloring book with my brand new glitter crayons and may pretty pictures.

Maybe I also want to wear a diaper and have someone change me...:-P

I want it all again.