I figure 2 posts a month should suffice :-P

Alright, so here I am back in the world of blogging. Once again (for any readers that may be lingering around...) I am quite sorry for the delay. I apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused (using my customer service canned apology lol).

Anyway, things have been rather boring here. I don't have much to do...I just kind of work and sleep. I have actually started to socialize with people at work and go out to bars on the weekend. Too bad im allergic to the alcohol...but then again i still drink it anyway...then find myself wondering why i am itchy and can't breathe.

I am officially moving back to California at the end of January. I figure I can move back, spend a year getting a culinary degree...then make my escape lol. It won't hurt, and it will give me a chance to save up some money.

I suppose that is all for now. I will start actually posting more on topic things shortly...especially since i've been thinking so much about it all. Sort of a re-evaluation of it all.

Its over...

So the Daddy I thought I had i really didn't. Apparently i annoyed him. Apparently he doesn't have the patience to be a daddy. Apparently he was going to think about "us". He really disappeared off the face of the planet.

Except...

No one wants me.

And I am a little heartbroken.

Lonely...

You know that feeling when you are surrounded by people, but feel so sad and alone? I have that right now. I am home visiting my family and it just sucks. I feel separate from my family because I have changed so much, and they have too. We just clash so much now...not that we ever DIDN'T clash... I'm just so tired of dealing with them and the issues that accompany them. I can't talk to any of my friends because they are all in a different time zone. I can't really talk to my Daddy because we have different schedules. I just feel like crap.

My mom keeps bringing up my whole ageplay and spanking preferences. She keeps comparing it all to child molestation. She says i am just dating guys that want to attack children and are too scared so they make me dress up and act little. She doesn't get it, and its irritating. I want to just try to explain it to her, but she would likely commit me. On a lighter note, my sister was snooping through my stuff and found my dropseat pajamas (im visiting my daddy on the way back). She didn't know what to say really, but my brother chimed in asking me how I could be so cruel to murder elmo and make pajamas from his skin. Which was really funny and made me laugh. Well then my mom was confused and started thinking i dress up as elmo for sex. Great.

Preferences....

I think it is interesting how ones preferences change over time. I know that my spanking preferences have evolved. I've wanted to be spanked constantly...i've wanted to give it up...now? I don't know. I mean i do....but then again...I'm a little nervous. I know though that if I really didn't want it...it would not happen. However, I want it to happen...no I NEED it to happen. I am afraid that maybe he does not quite understand the degree that i really crave to be spanked. He's like "you are gonna get 50 swats" and im like "thats all?"...but then another part of me is like "ACK!".

Argh...

It would seem that I have horribly neglected me blog. It's been ALMOST 2 months (empasis on the almost :-P if it REACHED 2 months then we might have had a problem ;) ) And for that I am incredibly sorry.

Things have just been a little hectic (in my mind at least). I have a Daddy...he lives in the far away land of Colorado. Yeah...12 hours is far but its doable I think. He hasn't spanked me yet, I can't decide if thats a good thing or a bad thing lol. I'm actually going to see him in 11 days (duh duh duh) and we will see what happens. I think AVOIDING a spanking will be more difficult this time around.

I just keep getting littler and littler and I think its kinda funny. Only time will tell where things will land I think.

I'm going to visit my family in California for thanksgiving which should be interesting. Things with them just get worse and worse. My mom is legally blind and not caring for her diabetes...my dad still had massive anxiety...and now he has to have a massive amount of skin cancer removed from his face (but im not supposed to know that...). And of course they still want me to move home.

Blah! Blah I say!

The Conundrum...

I like spanking (try to hide the shock and awe :-P). What we do lends itself to it (at least for me). In fact up until now whenever I was little I got spanked...it was a given. However, I have been thinking about this mixture. I find myself in a huge dilemma. I like spanking as an adult, because it is a sexual thing for me. I don't LIKE it when I am little...I NEED it. It provides this sense of security for me in the situation. It cements the roles and is kind of proof that someone cares enough about what I do to take action. So what is the problem? Well, now I find myself not wanting to misbehave. I don't want to disappoint or upset anyone. So what do I do? I really like it when someone says I am a good girl. I need me some spanking, but I don't want to misbehave and earn one...so what shall I DO?!

The Search...part 1 (spanking)

I personally know how hard it is to find the person you click with. In these life styles (both spanking and ageplay) there are so many people, but it's hard to find the ones that share your interest to the point you do. I think its all a balance.

Spanking wise the main issues are sharing the same TYPE of spanking, and sharing the same DEGREE.

There are many different types of spankings to be had. There is the punishment spanking, the erotic spanking, the playful spanking, the role play spanking, the maintenence spanking, the theraputic spanking...I can keep going.

I find however that the most common differences lie between the discipline spanking and the erotic and/or playful spankings. I personally like any and all spankings that exist, regardless of the motivation (though depending on the type i may or may not love it at the exact moment it is occuring), so I found many many people to talk to. However, when I dealt with people that saw it only as a punishment, I kind of felt like I would be deprived sexually from what I enjoyed. Yet, when I associated with strictly sexual, I was missing all the benefits I could get from punishment spankings (feeling accountable, forgiven, etc.).

Then of course when you talk about punishment spankings, you cross over into a totally different dilemma. Does the party being spanked enjoy it too much? Then you have to go into that debate. From the spanked point of view, sometimes its difficult to convince a top that you are capable of separating the two. Then you deal with all the issues with it being suspected that you are breaking the rules on purpose. UNLESS, you are in it for fun spankings, which some might intentionally do things to get spanked just for the prospective warm bottom to be had.

The next thing that is the issue is how hard should the spanking be? My opinion of hard is totally different from another person's opinion of hard. I mean in MY opinion I have no qualms with a spanking that leaves me with bruises. I know however, that some people cringe at the thought. They don't want to "hurt" me. Which is fine, but not quite for me. A spanking from someone who is afraid to hurt me is like going up a hill and stopping 1/2 way to sled down. Its fun, but not as fun as it could be if I could reach the top and get the thrill of the entire hill. At the same time if you reverse it, and there is the person who wants there to be huge significant bruising and welts (sometimes bleeding). That isn't for me either. In that case its like sledding down a HUGE gigantic hill that is all ice...it is too much and can lead to bad bad things for me (think "The Giver" when he is given the memory of a broken arm from sledding and the shock that presents).

I think this is all why some people search for YEARS for the right person for them. It is all a delicate balance that needs to be properly reached.

littleness and diapers...

I know that some people associate the two...some think you can't have one without the other. And I think that it is unfortunate. A friend of mine who is interested in trying the diapers, but is not sure she likes it is very worried that if she doesn't do it then she isn't really little. I don't think its true. I think that to be little to just that to be little. You do not have to be a certain age or mindset. Though I like them, I don't want it to be the focus of what is going on between me and my future daddy. One day I might decide it's too much of a hassle and never want to do it anymore. And I would want my partner to be ok with that decision.

However...spanking will never change hehehe

YAY!!!

I'm glad that people are feeling comfortable enough to post comments!!! I've been finding myself contemplating that question once more....that thought that will not leave me be! The idea of being spanked till I cry has arisen once more. As soon as I think i have laid it to rest...it comes back in my head. I still wonder if it is possible. Those who have spanked me have yet to attain it...though i think only 2 have REALLY tried. Is it possible? is stupid? I do not know.

A year....

I fought hard for a year to reach a place where things are clicking. It took until my third job to find the right one for me, hours, pay, benefits, and people. It took a fill year to get here. A year of fights, of loneliness, and of anger. Finally things work. There have been times when i wanted to scream, where I cried, where I wondered "WHY?!" What drove me to do this? To leave all that I knew and take off on my own. Was it irritation? Selfishness? Someway of proving myself? I still ask myself this question sometimes, just as they do. I've changed though. Changed things about me. I've become more rational, more open. I don't feel so vulnerable all the time anymore. I feel like I can be me and not be afraid anymore. I've discovered my littleness, and im learning to let go. Everything from before seems only a dream, its not bearing me down anymore. It's like this strange feeling of calm. I worry less if people don't respond to me. I've reached a point of accepting that sometimes things will just work themselves out. It's interesting that big me has matured as a person, while my little is becoming more and more comfortable being littler.

little beginnings

I will willingly admit that being little is rather new to me. Something i did not explore until this last year. HOWEVER, when i go back and think about things i have done and experimented with it is not quite so surprising.

I know that for a long time i used to take pillows and make a circle in my living room to stay in while i played because it just made me more comfortable.

Also, once I made a diaper out of an old tshirt because it just seemed right at the moment and i slept with it one.

Lastly, my family had this broken loft bed. So it was just 3 sides with the mattress taken off the the top. A few times I hung a blanket from that 4th side and pretended it was a crib. I never knew why i felt compelled to do such a thing, i just WANTED to.

Big problems for little people...

I know I'm not the only person with this problem...I just want to make people happy. Case in point, I was offered a job at a law office. Part of me wanted the job...but most of me didn't. If i took the job then it would be a pretty big pay cut...just to work day time? However, the part of me that wanted to take it was the part of me that felt bad for applying in the first place. The office manager was soooo nice to me, he even called me his "ace in the hole".

If I took the job then i would not be able to afford anything, and i wouldn't get back to school. So it was REALLY REALLY hard for me, but i haven't accepted the job (but i haven't QUITE told the law office that...).

This sort of thing happens to me all the time. I find myself doing things to make other people happy. It's gotten me in sticky-type situations. It tends to lead me to making out with people I do not wish to make out with. I just don't want to hurt their feelings you know?

I know a friend of mine says that this is a problem for people that are little...wanting to make other people happy...it just so hard! I don't want people to hate me is all.

Welcome to my blog! :-)

This is my first post on my new blog, but not my first blog post ever. For about 2 1/2 years I had another blog that was alittlebitofspanking.blogspot.com. I abandoned that blog for a few reasons. The main being my family came across it and they just found it strange and funny. I became the butt of many jokes. The other reason I left that blog was because it was founded on my spanko tendencies, and over the last year I have discovered an interest in ageplay. I felt like I was betraying my spanko readers when i posted on ageplay. So thus I have made this new blog. I hope you all can read and enjoy.